|Ronan snuggling with his seahorse|
Even with all these things, I still have this nagging feeling of, is this really what I want? I often feel that I spread so much of myself out that I don't devote enough time to any area. I used to spend a lot more time at work, enough that I was happy with what I was accomplishing. Now I am always rushed to be home with my family, or distracted by submitting the next insurance claim. I'm fielding a call from a doctor, or I'm trying to track down a therapist. Then I'm trying to leave to see Ronan. Ronan is an early bedtime kid - he's ready for bed by 630 or 7pm. That's when I used to get home from work! Don't get me wrong, I work hard, but I just have that nagging feeling that if I only had a little more time, I could do better, or at least get more done. It's the perfectionist in me, I suppose.
|Already a big boy!|
But all of this begs the question, should I even be spreading myself this thin? Isn't my little boy special enough to get his momma all the time? Am I OK with our nanny, who is absolutely wonderful, spending all this time with Ronan when I am at work? All the questions women have been asking since, well, forever. What I think about though, is that I like my job. I enjoy going to work. My husband and my jobs allow us to give Ronan a great life, and all these things that will hopefully allow him to catch up and maximize his potential. They give us the health insurance that allows us to see the best doctors, and to see 2 or 3 of them in each area. It's the ultimate trade-off, no? Is time with momma worth more than the increase in lifestyle, access to therapists, wonderful health insurance, and my personal fulfillment? Honestly, I have no idea. Some days I think I am crazy for leaving Ronan for a single second, but other days the other factors weigh heavily in that equation. Like the other day when my insurance company called to tell me our e-stim therapy and machine rental would not be covered by our insurance... I still think there's a chance I can appeal and get coverage, but we will keep and use that machine as long as we are seeing results, despite the costs. And it was nice to not worry about that added expense being so prohibitive that we wouldn't be able to do something that might impact his life in a positive way.
I live for weekends like this past one, even though Ronan was pretty cranky from a new tooth coming in. We relaxed with each other. Enjoyed each others company. We all went for a run together, we went to the beach. We watched countless hours of the Olympics, and I of course cried during those darn P&G "Thank You Mom" commercials. It counteracts the structure of my weekdays, it gives me balance. While seemingly every moment of my weekdays are planned, booked, and double booked, my weekends are free and open, like those lazy summer days when you were little. And I know all days wouldn't be like weekends if I were staying home. I am sure weekdays would have their structure, especially with Ronan's appointments and therapists. I think I need both in my life - the structure and the breezy, carefree days.